winding down

vacation started today. at 4:01. pm. not a minute too soon.

i have ten days to do anything. to do everything.

but tonight - the first night - is about doing nothing. just letting myself wind down. quietly. peacefully.

the heat came today. steamy hazy heat. so when we got home the air conditioners went on. the fans. the blinds pulled low blocking the sun. the apartment was dark cool peaceful. the child burrowed into a nest on the sofa and went to sleep.

the only movement and light was in the kitchen. the window with no blind. the lowering evening sun coming through the leaves outside and doing shadow dances on the kitchen cabinets.

tonight is about quiet gentleness. tomorrow we'll start doing everything.

fear of failure.

I'm often accused of being a procrastinator. Like it's a bad thing! I feel like my "procrastination" stems from a desire for perfectionism. I don't want to start things willy-nilly. I want to plan and prepare, think, think again....think some more...make sure I have the best tools and most well-thought-out idea and I'm doing it at the right time in the best possible forum, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Sometimes The Thing never happens cuz I don't *have* the best tools or the idea hasn't been thought through well enough yet. 

Or, you know, I'm scared. Scared of screwing up, being wrong, looking foolish, failing.

Fear of failure. Powerful stuff. 

Procrastinator sounds better.

Weekend Part I

Saturday was one of those days where you give yourself permission to stay home and do nothing because the weather was supposed to be bad...and then the weather was beautiful! But I allowed very low expectations of myself and didn't even pretend that I was going to be productive in any way whatsoever. We all need those days once in a while. So I slept late, which always makes the kitties happy...had breakfast for lunch...played on Pinterest most of the afternoon, then late in the day, took the dog to the little beach along the Belt Parkway in Brooklyn (which always makes *him* happy!). And had a chocolate milkshake for dinner.

The End.

happy easter, bunnies.

I am not a religious person...but on Easter I am prompted to think of rebirths, new beginnings, peace and joy and love. 

I think I had my Easter yesterday. I spent a perfect day with my (almost 21 years old!) baby. We had lunch at Smorgasburg in Williamsburg - it was opening day and packed, but I had The Best Grilled Cheese EVER from The Milk Truck. I had the "all day breakfast" sandwich, which is aged wisconsin gruyere, fried egg and caramelized onions on Balthazar rye batard bread. So often I have something good somewhere and think I can duplicate it at home...and usually I'm correct - but this perfectly pressed sandwich? I would not attempt it at home. It was too perfect. And we each got a doughnut from Dough. Katie had Hibiscus, which was so pretty w a magenta glaze and dried? candied? hibiscus blossoms scattered on top. I had passion fruit with cocoa nibs (hee hee, nibs is such a funny word, I always need to say it a couple times. nibs nibs nibs. yes, I'm 12). The flavor was good, and they were large and yeasty, which I prefer to cakey....but....my heart still lies with Dunwell Doughnuts. I am definitely a doughnut girl in a cupcake/muffin world.

We wandered around Artists & Fleas for a bit...I love the flea markets for handcrafted earrings...and was delighted when the somewhat eccentric vintage clothing seller right inside the front door told me I looked beautiful (I was looking at some bakelite bracelets and I think he thought I was checking myself out in the mirror behind them - but hey, I'll take any compliment I can get these days!). 

Then my search for the perfect-but-cheap bedroom dresser continued at Meeker Avenue Furniture. I won't say they're overpriced, but anything I saw I liked was priced higher than I want to spend. For the almost-two-years that I've lived in this apartment, I've felt I little transient, like I shouldn't really put down roots and settle in because I'll be leaving soon (i *love* my apartment, but the neighborhood leaves a lot to be desired)...but just recently I made the mental commitment to stay another year, so I'm feeling motivated to finally furnish it appropriately and finish UNPACKING!!! This is def one thing I miss about living on Long Island, Land of People Who Throw Out Perfectly Good Furniture. Most of my house was furnished with curb treasures. I never see anything good here.

After eating shopping walking, we headed to Brooklyn Botanic Garden to check out the cherry blossoms. It was such a beautiful day that the place was *packed* and you had to practically wait in line to get a photo under a tree! But we found a little daffodil meadow on a slope under some high shade...and I took some pictures of my beautiful daughter there. 

All in all, it was a wonderful day...my girl was sweet and cooperative, I got to do all things I loved, the weather was ideal...and my car *didn't* get towed (we just lost it for a bit)!!!

I wish everyone a peaceful, loving Easter...with much thought to thankfulness, appreciation, and new beginnings.

i used to be.

I used to be a horse person. That was like a lifetime ago. I think it started when I was young and shy and lived in a rural suburb in Delaware and right up the road from my house was a horse farm of some sort. In hindsight it was probably some sort of lay-up farm for old, retired, or injured horses, as I never saw any real activity going on there - no riding or lessons or training of any sort. I remember the horses had their names on signs on their large paddocks. I used to lean on Speedy's fence for hours and just watch him graze...his gentle dark eyes focusing my way occasionally to see if I might be holding out a carrot or strand of "better" grass. 

The horses were quiet and accepting of me, they didn't need me to talk or be funny or smart or popular. I could just stand by the fence quietly and eventually they would meander over to me for some petting or head scratching. I think that was the hook for me - the acceptance. The unconditional acceptance, expecting really nothing in return. 

Those days started a long phase of my life where all I thought of was horseshorseshorses. After YEARS of begging, my parents finally gave in, and so began the years of riding lessons and horse shows, then horse college, FINALLY a horse of my own, and then a 10-year career as a riding instructor. 

I loved teaching riding. I was, quite honestly, a better instructor than I was a rider. I had an eye for what was really going on in both a rider's and a horse's body and carriage. There's a lot more theory to riding than the average person realizes, and I could explain it well in a way my student's understood. 

But like any job in any industry, there are downsides and politics, etc...and when I was pregnant with my daughter I left teaching...and when we moved from our first house that had a little four-stall barn, I let the last of my horses go  :-( 

I miss the horses very much. They were such a part of my life and my heart for so long. But now...some of my nieces are riders...and yesterday I had the opportunity to watch one of them try out two horses at a good friend's barn. I felt very comfortable stepping back into the role of teacher, and I was *really* happy to get to shoot one of my favorite subjects while I was there.

I guess everyone "used to be" something that they aren't anymore. What did *you* used to be? 

i'm declaring this "hug your loved ones" day

While we should all be doing this *every* day, as I mentioned recently in my Valentine's post, sometimes we are busy, annoyed, distracted, forgetful...and we don't always make the time or effort to let loved ones know that we *truly* care for and value them. Sometimes it takes a little shake to wake us up and remind us to appreciate what is most important in our lives. 

A dear friend got a shake yesterday, a big scare with an overall fortunate ending. But his scare reminded *me* and so I wanted to remind *you.* Make a point today of telling someone what they mean to you, giving someone a hug, expressing gratitude, showing appreciation...or just simply (which is really not that simple at all) saying "i love you." 

Picture by me of my kid and dog. My kid and I had a little tiff a week ago and haven't been speaking...I think I need to tell her I love her.

down the rabbit hole

I've been pretty mopey lately. I admit it. Life has not gone in *any* direction I intended. I'm not sure when I was younger that I really gave that much thought to *what* I intended - I think I just thought life was...upper middle class in a nice neighborhood with big houses, no financial worries, and family and friends always around. I missed that day in school or that parental lecture that said "no, you fool - you have to WORK for that. you have to make SMART decisions and not do stupid things and strive to stay on a path towards what you want...otherwise you wind up in the ghetto and alone." Instead, I just sort of went along, blahdy-blah, and now here I am. Not Where I Would Like To Be. And feeling so far down the rabbit hole that I could not imagine *ever* getting out. 

But I've noticed an interesting phenomenon over the past 10 years - since I started having some minor, but *very* painful, medical issues. Each bout has lasted about 6 weeks and during that time, pain is pretty much all-consuming. Pain, do I have pain, can I get rid of pain, when will the pain come back, rating the pain, naming the levels of pain, can I make plans for the weekend or will I be in pain...for those 6 weeks it becomes All. About. The. Pain. (and just a side note, these issues are not like life-threatening or anything - just PAINFUL) 

The phenomenon is the "banging your head against the wall" rule. And that is that...it feels so good when you stop. And I'm noticing now, as I'm just coming out of my third 6-week All-consuming Pain Phase in 10 years, that AFTERWARDS, it's like a great FOG has lifted - The Pain Fog - and I feel all newly energized and motivated and ready to go. Caveat - this "you go girl-ness" is in my HEAD. My body sometimes has a hard time keeping up. But at least my brain is churning with ideas about How to Get Out of the Rabbit Hole. Financially, mentally, emotionally, socially. 

So. I'm happy to be on The Other Side of the Pain once again. And I'm grateful that my brain is clicking back in and attempting to come up with A Goal and A Plan for getting out of this mess I have created for myself. I'll keep you posted. I'd love to hear your stories - have you ever felt so low you thought you might never get up again? Were you able to get to a better place?

Photo by me. I thought I deserved a little something, so I got these pink tulips at Trader Joe's today. I should have gotten chocolate, too.